Well first off, I was not planning on writing about this but call it a side note or maybe a beginning note. How old do you think that boy is by now? You know who I'm talking about Jersey citizens. The blonde boy with the bowl cut and the red shirt who pops up every night at 10 PM.?? I wonder...
Anyway.
I have been up since 3 AM trying to go back to sleep
Accepting that I am not going back to sleep
Then figuring out what to do since I am not asleep
Then... figuring out what to do with my life.
I suppose that is the kind of question that comes down to "who am I" blah blah blah. I think the truth to that is who cares? I do not mean that in a depressing sort of way. But more of an everyone is too caught up with figuring themselves out to figure you out kind of way. Which personally I see as a total advantage. I mean think about it, if no one is paying attention to anyone else then you get to PRETTY MUCH do whatever the heck you want. Aside from a nod from the fellow oddlings nothing else is going to happen. I mean unless of course you do something incredibly illegal. But even then, look at Lisbeth Salander, she made off pretty in the end!
But basically I have been trying to figure out what the heck would make me the happiest. You see I have this passion. I have been riding horses since I was four. YEAH FOUR. I live on a farm at home, I have three horses here at school, where I study horses and riding them basically. I have always had the end goal of a farm and some students etc. Which is all well and good and many days all I think I would need.
Here's the kicker (whatever that means) Establishing a farm and a riding program is done over time and done to establish yourself in the riding world to establish a record to establish some esteem to establish a reputation (a positive one hopefully). Well... I don't know about you but that seems like an awful lot of establishing to establish to establish to become well... established. What does establish mean to you? Because to me it means a base, roots, something you have built up something firmly planted on the ground that you are standing on. Well all of those words strike fear into the very depths of my twenty year old soul. I am not that kind of girl.
What kind of girl am I you ask? I am the kind of girl whose backpack has a cape on it. Whose closet consists of hippy skirts AND combat boots. Whose hair is so out of control it has never looked the same twice. Who wants a station wagon because of the sheer amount of STUFF I could put in it. Who liked her room better when it was an aero bed that she could fold up and take with her. Who has an art blog and no time to fill it with all of the wild ideas in her head. The kind of girl that could probably never ever make a decision about her life in one fell swoop a term she learned from a song from her favorite band that is her favorite because he sings of passion and existing without any actual establishment. I am first and foremost a girl of passion. Yes I am passionate about the animals I have dedicated my life to everyday for the past 15 years. I like them more than people and I understand them way more than people. How on earth though can one pick between passions. I cannot rank them in my head. I guess if you ranked them on performance horses are the first passion. But that is because they need to be they take so much time, and establishing. You cannot pack a horse in a station wagon and hit the road. You cannot just up and go with your horse and his stall. I am therefore a passionate human trapped within her passion.
What's a girl to do?
A girl is to think on it some more I suppose. Growing up means making choices doesn't it? OR growing up can mean figuring out how to not have to sacrifice one passion for the next. OR who knows really... lets be honest I have no idea what I am talking about. There is no how to guide to living. Well I take that back I am sure somewhere out there (or not so out there) there is, but honestly? Would YOU read it? I mean of course other than in a manner of sheer curiosity.
The time is 5:55 AM_The song is Gypsy Girl by Dean Brody although admittedly I just turned it on about fifteen seconds ago_the feeling is trapped_the solution is to run.
"Gypsy girl why do you run?"
Stay weird XxAngelRae
