Frustration

Maybe its because I'm a perfectionist in some ways or maybe its because I am just plain stubborn, but mediocrity has never been an option for me... it appalls me which is so ironic because i feel like thats all I'm ever going to achieve. Maybe the problem is I want too much out of life. I don't want it to be boring or normal or acceptable... I would do anything to avoid it. The whole idea of living an average life terrifies the word average is repulsive and stupid and something i refuse to accept. but I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that... so i wonder is "non-average" the norm? does everyone wanna stick out like a sore thumb and do something great or terrible, or am I just a weirdo. It usually starts with a list in my head a list of my interests that immediately come to mind...

horses

painting

drawing

printing

writing

history

philosophy

teaching

ethics

then it turns into a list of careers I've considered in my life whether briefly or half heartedly...

Vet

archaeologist

teacher

storm chaser

Equestrian professional

fashion designer

professional organizer

mother

journalist

this list obviously is pretty much a walking contradiction but then it gets even more confusing when you reach the broader list of things i want to do in my life which is as follows

be a professional rider

skydiving

see the world

fight women's rights in the middle east and africa

write a book

paint a mural

have children

get married

live in an RV

start a garden

eat completely organic

this list as we go from interests to things i want to do would seemingly get smaller... as it gets more specific. However it just gets broader and more and more contradictory... which leads me to believe one of a few things. a) I have some form of personality disorder and cannot seem to please all of "me" b) I am merely uninterested in anything enough to make it my life's passion which seems odd because I dedicate my whole life to riding ponies every single freaking day

c) I am so confused I don't know which way is up what I want to do who I am or what I even like!

blah blah blah Right?

I know we have heard it all before growing up who am I whine whine whine I know... believe me I have complained and laughed at just as many of those movies as you have I assure you. But as I grow older and know fewer and fewer things I begin to listen to those movies and those songs more and more which can only lead me to believe that the I am going completely crazy option from before is the correct one O:)

Of course no one should live their life according to a movie or a song right? Has anyone ever told you to close your eyes and picture the person you want to be and try your very best to be that person. WELLLL WTF how am I supposed to just pull an entire persona out of me arse... one of my many enjoyments is music. Who doesn't love that song about that girl or that boy that makes you wanna sing really loud and off key no matter what.

So ladies and gentlemen (mainly me) I am offering myself a challenge and the challenge is this...

1) gather as many songs as I can that sound like someone I am/want to be/ or just like the sound of the person

2) write down all of the adjectives used in these songs

3) I have yet to figure out what comes next, but I am assuming there will be some sort of self discovery thing here...

Stay weird

Xo

Current song: Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne